Finding Me

This has been a difficult few days for me. Callie's reflux (thank you Monica for helping us figure out what was wrong with her!) has steadily gotten worse. Last night she literally SCREAMED for three hours straight before finally going to sleep. We are back to square one, before Zantac, and it makes my heart heavy. I have less time, and less goodwill, than I did before she became so unhappy again. Tomorrow she has an upper GI to rule out something worse than reflux, and then we try another medication.
I'm praying she feels better again.
In the midst of my day being dictated by the mood of my 7 week old baby girl, I am also realizing that I have no time to be 'me' anymore. I nurse the baby, feed the kids, the horses, the dogs. Roc, the diabetic dog, had an episode on July 4th where I had to take him to the emergency vet clinic. Thankfully he's settled down now, but I worry about him along with everyone else.
I do dishes and laundry, sweep floors, referee fights (too many of those) and attempt to maintain sanity.
At the end of the day I have almost nothing left. I've started jogging, to try and get my energy back, my body back, and my mind back. My mind is mush right now. What's left of it, anyway. And, if I'm being honest, jogging gives me a few moments to myself. Out there, with the sound of the birds and the slap of my feet on the pavement, I can be 'me' for a few minutes. At the top of the hill, my breathing is heavy and my legs feel like lead, but it's worth it to get a few moments away from the hustle and bustle of household reality.
Still, I know that being home is where I want to be. Even after a day (and night) of answering a thousand questions, changing diapers, fixing meals, bandaging boo boo's, I can't imagine not being here.
The thought of leaving my little ones, especially Callie, just breaks my heart in two. I'd rather my heart be heavy than broken.
But God knows what He is doing, and His plan will unfold at some point. In the meantime, I'll keep at this hectic life, searching for 'Me' in the midst of the noisy dogs and kids, and hope that I some point, I find what I am searching for. I'm sure it is there in front of me, covered in spit-up and staring back at me from the mirror with tired eyes.
And I'm sure it is what my kids see every day, and what my kids call 'Mom'.

Flying By

My maternity leave is just flying by. I DO NOT want it to end. Four more weeks to go. Since Callie has been on Zantac, she has been much happier, and therefore WE have been much happier. She has been sleeping 6-7 hours a night for about a week now. Too bad I don't go to sleep when she does :) Maybe one of these days I will!
Last week we headed to Holiday World, the best amusement park for families with small children. It is truly awesome. Free parking, free soft drinks (they have Pepsi Oasis with pepsi products, gatorade, and water), free sunscreen in case you forget to bring some, lots of trees and great rides for everyone. Even the games are awesome, very cheap and 'win no matter what' games. So the kids all left with stuffed animals. Plus, they have an awesome waterpark, that the kids just swoom over. I got very familiar with their nursing room, which was very comfortable and a great place to nurse Callie, but I did wish that she would go longer than two hours during the day to eat :)
Holidary World was where I truly realized that Hunter is no longer a little boy. He is very much a big boy - the first ride he rode was THIS



And the baby pool at the waterpark was too little for him this year. He was very much ready for the big rides. He also rode Pilgrim's Plunge, and said he wasn't even scared. Hard to believe.

I also realized that bringing four kids to an amusement park, one being a newborn, is much tougher than bringing three. Still, we survived and had a good time. This week Hunter turns seven, I can hardly believe it, and he has already requested a special breakfast and a trip to chuck-e-cheese.
He's also getting a camera so he can quit bugging me to take pictures with mine :)
Well, the kids are hollering, so I had better get going. Until next time!

Hunter

I forgot to add pics of Hunter. He asked to get his pictures taken, and he was oh so cute, modeling for me, telling me that he saw it 'somewhere'. I have a million cute pics I'll have to put together in an album. Who am I kidding? I have a million cute pics of ALL my kids I have to put together in an album. Someday.

Exhaustion

All of you mommies out there know what it is like. Being so tired it takes forever to fall asleep, and then waking up when you hear the baby start to shift around and grunt, knowing that she is hungry. Again. Being wide awake at 2 am for the 28th day in a row (or so it feels like), with the realization that in a few hours three other kids will be awake vying for your attention and time.
Last night was the culmination of three nights and three days of hardly any sleep for Miss Callie or her mommy. There was fussiness to the extent that I almost moved up her doctor's appointment to find out what was wrong. I was so very very tired, I was swaying on my feet as I tried unsuccessfully to get her to settle down last night. She was awake basically from 4pm - 11pm. Crying, grimacing, kicking and squirming. She tried to fall asleep numerous times but always woke herself up. When I was finally able to put her down, I fell into some sort of coma, sure that in two hours she would be up again like the last three days and nights.
Thankfully, God heard my pleas, my tear-filled prayers, and she slept until 5:30. Today, she must have been exhausted, because she was fairly quiet all day and fell asleep twice in her bouncy seat. Unheard of this week. Even now, she is sleeping, and has been for FOUR HOURS. I would wake her up, but doing that doesn't gain me more sleep time at night. And she needs the rest.
So do I.
But even in the midst of the sleep-deprivation and the baby who refuses to calm her squirming and screaming, I know that it is all worth it. And I would rather be here at home, comatose tending to four children, than working. I can't help but think about the day I have to go back, though it is 5.5 weeks away. I won't think about it, instead enjoy the time with my children.
Next week we're headed to Holiday World, weather permitting. A mini-vacation that the kids are so excited about. I am, too. Except the bathing suit part of it, not sure how I'm going to get through that. Ughhhh. Having a 10lb baby (well, 2 10lb babies, a 9lb baby, and an 8lb baby) does things to your stomach. I start jogging tonight.
Anyway, I'm off to check on Miss Callie. Again. For a while there, I thought the poor baby had forgotten how to sleep. Thankfully, she has figured out exactly how to close her eyes and keep them that way. I can only hope and pray she remembers how to when it is my bedtime, too!!

New Pics

So much to do - so little time. And Callie has been extra fussy and unhappy - so I don't have as much time. But here are a couple pics, I'm getting some of Hunter tonight and of all four one day very soon.

The tail end of an unfinished dragon tattoo . . .

Nothing Done

Gwen riding through the flooded driveway



Hunter being silly on Lex's tri-cycle



Lex deciding that his winter hat was a rain hat



Miss Callie - cozy and warm inside!



So it seems as though I can't get through my massive to-do list. I had high hopes for maternity leave, I wanted to get things in order, such as scrapbooks and kid's rooms and remodeling. I have a mirror that needs to be painted, and a 1/2 bathroom that needs lots of work. But there are only so many hours in a day, and Miss Callie takes up a bunch of them.
Thankfully, the house is cleaner and we have better meals than when I worked full time. I spend more time with the kids, and we do things like visit the game center and library, ice-cream shop and take walks. We bake cookies (today was oatmeal chocolate chip - gotta keep the milk supply up while nursing large babies) - but I want to do so much more!!
Callie did sleep 6 hours last night, if she makes that a habit my energy level will go up. I hope :) And she smiled at me yesterday - made my heart melt.


I just love summertime, the weather, the flowers, the sun. This weekend we visited newport aquarium, and it was great. But I've noticed we get LOTS of stares having 4 kids 6 and under. At the grocery store I get comments and laughter (Lex shakes his booty in the aisles, it's pretty cute), but that's okay. This is my family and I love them. I wouldn't trade them for anything!
Now if I can just find a way to do this full time . . .


A shot of Callie and I at the aquarium - courtesy of Kevin :)

Tiny Feet

Right now I am in a sleep deprived haze. Little Miss Callie was up from 12-5 last night, and has barely slept all day. I've gone through the checklist - and I'm not sure what the issue is. But she's not a happy little girl.
She even refused to sleep in her car seat while we went to the library for story time. She refused to sleep while I attempted to clean the house.
Thank goodness for nice neighbors, and the meal that she is bringing us tonight. I fear that if I were to cook - we would wind up with something only resembling food. I know this is only a small part of her life, and I'll forget it a year from now.
But wow am I tired.